Whoever has invented bikes can’t be resting in peace in their grave these days! One by one, my friends are falling victims to this treacherous transportation and training device. Wherever you look, land roads are nearly overflowing with broken collarbones. Is it a bird? Is it a man? No, it’s a clavicle, flying right at you! It’s all bruises, stitches and screws. Two wheels of misfortune.
The news of yet another bike attack hit my phone while I was in Cracow last month. This time, the Shimano Curse had struck my fellow swimmer Dennis. Dennis was out for a ride when the bloody nag reared up and sent him sprawling to the road. Although he was lucky enough to be rescued by Mr. Jack, one of the hottest six-packers in town, there was nothing relishable about his face-to-face encounter with the tarmac. I’d rather get stung by hundred blooms of jellyfish. That’s for sure!
But Dennis is a fighter. Backed up by his lovely, tough and highly efficient M (our local Judi Dench from the Bond movies), Dennis can tackle anything life throws at him. Like two shoulder surgeries within a month, for instance. Yes, you got it right. Two surgeries! Like one is not bad enough… “Let’s call the Infection Army and fuck up the whole bone!” How fair is that? Really! Some days you just wish you could sue your own body!
But not Dennis. He doesn’t need a million dollar lawsuit. He just fights back. It’s in his genes – take his youngest son, for instance. That’s proof enough of the Superman blood running in their family. Lukas is a real bad ass. Despite his disability, this little guy was just a shrimp when he plunged into a mini-triathlon, and today he’s one hell of a swimmer and he won’t stop there. He’s a cheeky dude with a cool attitude and lots of charisma! I’ve never said it loud before, but this little man is in the top five of my personal heroes!
I don’t know about you. But as far as I’m concerned, when life deals my friends a cruel hand, I just wish I could punch it right in the face. Stop messing around with my fellow fish, bitch! He’s got plenty of plans ahead – work, family, sport… Let him recover once and for all. Not just for me – although you might remember my fascination for his graceful feet – but for all of us! Dennis is the fuel that keeps us going! He’s the Google brain of our team and my very own private Muesli Master Chef! We all miss his trademark goofy laughter and Viking scream. The hot baby pool is not the same when Dennis is not hanging around in it for hours on end after practice. And it’s so boring and colourless to watch dozens of swimmers walk in through the door with swimming trunks on, when we can get the Full Monty in the middle of the pool for free! We want Dennis back!
Life seems to be holding him hostage these days! It’s about time we start a rescue mission. This injustice has to stop! No more bike, no more surgery, no more broken fin. Get to your weapons, comrades, and LET’S FREE DENNIS! 🐳
PS – Be careful out there and make sure you use a helmet. It DOES save lives! ❤
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